Today is National Grilled Cheese day. My news feed on Facebook is loaded with pictures of personally made grilled cheeses. I mean there's some yummy ones shown! But , this day is thought provoking to me and I don't know if I can exactly put it into words what I feel today. But I will try...
April 2009 was really when my psychosis started to manifest. My depression was dark and deep by this point. This was the beginning of the darkest times for me and my family. Yet, it also was the beginning of new friendships. like seeds being planted in my community that would grow onto big beautiful blooming flowers. <-- Awesome analogy!
You see, late 2012 I begin my My journey as a doula. Really, And this is a whole other post, but I became a doula for the wrong reasons. But I'm very thankful that I did because it connected me with people who have profoundly changed my life for the better. Funny how God uses all things to his good. And eventually he pulled the vail from my eyes to where I could serve women and not myself.... like I said ,whole other post!
When I became a doula I joined a online group of local birth attendants, childbirth educators, and lactation consultants . We would post questions or funny and informative articles. Whenever one of the ladies would post, a signature would appare at the bottom of her post and it included her blog site. As I stalked her blog for birth information, I begin to read it and gain encouragement from it. I did not know this woman personally. But her words spoke to me in time that I was so deeply depressed. I think God used her blog to speak little words of truth into me even Though at this time, I had to turn my back on him.
She was awesome lady! You know, the one that you strive to be like? She was extremely passionate about the homeless, people, mothers, she loved her children.
She also adored grilled cheese sandwiches... I think? Honestly, I can't remember! I seriously can't remember what it was about the grilled cheese sandwiches!!!
But in April 2009 a horrific tragedy happened involving her entire family and herself. I Again want to repeat, I did not know her or her family personally ( And I don't want to use her of her family's names I really want to Protect them And their family and friends from any criticism) But I felt and saw the pain of everyone in community. The sorrow lingered in the air and on everyone's heart.
Little did I know that months later I would be very close to reenacting the horrific tragedy that happened to her and her beautiful family. By the grace of God the plan was Intervened and so my family stands here as survivors. this is where it gets really hard for me to explain...
It's really hard to not feel guilt. Guilt all the way around. I Have to remind myself constantly that it was the sickness and not me. I have to put myself in check when I start to wonder how come her family did not survive. ( The circumstances surrounding Their death were different than my illness, Want to clear that up so there is not an assumption ) Her life was more meaningful! she haved more children! she offered the community more! I have To say to myself "shut up!". I too quickly jump to this. Where I dig a hole and start burying myself in comparison. in other words I discredit myself by comparing my life and journey with other peoples.
Understand , as I write this I'm crying, The tragedy in her family was the very spark That ignited in me searching passionately for help. Though, due to lack of proper treatment no means of my own, the darkness grew. But it was her,her family that Created the first step to a long hard journey which felt like thousands and thousands of miles.
For some reason, grilled cheeses have always remind me of her, weirdly enough. Grilled cheeses remind me of Comfort. They remind me of normalcy. Remind me of home. Something In my sickness I longed for.
The first day after the night that I was initially hospitalized, a psych nurse walked over to me as we sat down for dinner and handed me a plate with a grilled cheese sandwich on it. I set there and begin to sob over this sandwich. I'm sure i looked like a crazy person but I was already in a mental hospital so it didn't really matter. As I ate the I sandwich reflected on my life, what could have been and where it's going. I made a commitment to myself while eating a grilled cheese sandwich that I was going to do everything in my power to get better. And I did.
This simple sandwich that all of us have eaten a hundred times, means remembrance, reflection, recovery, and redemption. I'm pretty sure I did not adequately convey what I feel because really no words can express. But a little glimmer of hope resurrected life from death. If I were ever to meet one of her family members I would tell them that she and her family brought life, restoration and redemption to a family even after they have left this earth.
So, I break my diet to eat a yummy grilled cheese in remembrance of her and her beautiful family, to honor her, and how she touched the lives of people that she came in contact with whether it was in person or just couple email exchanges unknowingly she was knitting hope into our lives.... and grilled cheeses.
Happy Friday y'all!
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