Weaned

More than anything, I've always wanted this.  

I have had it once, briefly 

I had reluctantly and regretfully walked away

My should've could've would'ves haunted me 

And I felt like half the woman I wanted to be

I made promises quietly to you as you sat warmly in my belly

I would fight to give you what you deserve; what I deserve

I refused to walk away this time

It was difficult, Physically and emotionally. 

Nourishing you was the one most challenging experience I've ever had

But, I thank you for it. 

From the bottom of my heart,  I thank you

I thank you 

For the pain, surgery, tears, toung tie, over supply

Pumping

Pumping

Pumping

Syringe feeders, nipple shileds, reluctantly buying bottles

Lactation consultants

WIC 

Personal calls from doctors 

The ones who encourage

The one who begged me to stop the maddness 

 Friends telling me how proud they were of me not giving up. 

But... I wanted to. I really did.  

I was tired

I thought maybe it wasn't for me.

I was okay with that thought. 

Anger would rise within me when you got hungry 

I knew it was time for pain

And I would tense up or pretend you needend something else

But eventually I surrendered

And you would look at me knowingly 

Eyes full of love

Love

Sparking with forgiveness

Utterly needing me to keep pressing on

And so I did

I kept going

I begun to enjoy our journey 

I thought it would just be a season where I nursed my baby

Little did I know were we going.

27 months 

a lifetime and yet so short

 

Breastfeeding was a gift 

It restored what was broken in me

What was ripped from me

As the scabs healed 

My heart healed

I promised to nurture you the best way I could

To my surprise, you were the one to nurture me

This was the best thing that ever happened to my body

I gave our relationship permission to overpowered all done wrong to it

Nursing you day and night  

Night and day 

In The stillness of night
With The stars abright 

We sat

We talked

I cried

I worshiped

Thank you for 27 months

Thank you for the challenge 

The challenge that allowed me to forgive myself 

Thankful for the acknowledgment that I do not give up

To forgive others who took from me and how to take what they took back

Thank you for showing I can love my body

To be proud of my body

Thank you for that, my dear sweet WuWu

Love,

Your grateful Mommy 

 WuWu never has had a drop of formula 

 Our breastfeeding relationship showed me how to let go of the guilt of not being able to feed Monster

Breastfeeding made me appreciate formula. Breastfeeding erased all judgement within me.

Breastfeeding healed the wounds I had emotionally from being raped. 

It changed my path to something better.

Though I was tied to her, that tether gave me freedom. Freedom that I did not know existed.