He will give you the desires of your heart

 Have you ever had something pop out and grab you? Not in the sense of the physical ,but emotional. Like a quote, lyrics to a song, a paragraph and a beloved book, or a bible verse. I find myself holding on to many things that speak to my heart. It seems to get me through a dark time , rough day, sadness ,or fear.  This morning , like many other days, something spoke to me in away that I know it was just for me to hear at that moment. I heard this Bible verse on the radio..

Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4


That really resonated with me the whole way home and when I came into the house and drank my coffee.
The words just kept repeating in my head and I really began to reflect on it. I began to think about this gift in my womb and how I deeply wanted another baby for the passed two years but the baby just never came. I would cry in bathrooms after I would see a newborn in a store and when my friends and family became pregnant. Not because I was jealous but because my heart was sadden for my family. Now, when I say this I know some of you are thinking " You have a beautiful baby boy! You should be happy with him!" And I was and am , very much so! I have never taken Niko for granted. I am so blessed to have him in my life and thankful to God that he is here with us after our very challenging birth. But, even from the moment we got from the hospital after Niko was born I still felt that my family was incomplete. 

If you know me closely or have read my other blog you know how hard my life has been the past three years. The undesirable birth experience that turned into Postpartum Depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that turned into Postpartum Psychosis. To be honest if it weren't for an amazing family and friends I don't think I would have survived. The best thing I ever did for myself was to become a doula. The healing from seeing other women having safe, happy, positive birth experiences changed the way I dealt with my own. But, even when I rejoiced with a family about a new life I would always ask these three questions to myself on the car drive back home"Why did it happen to me? Why am I going through this? And why can I have another baby?" Over the pass two years I now know the answer to the first two ( and you can read about it here) and after this morning I now have the answer to the last .


I would say "God, please please please give me another baby and I promise I will be super awesome and a great mom and wife." And of course that prayer was never answered. Why? because there was no meaning, no obedience, no faith to it . All it was... was a wish. It wasn't until September that I really began to seek for something in my life to make it happy that wasn't a baby. When I look back on what I was feeling then , it was a void  in my heart that I was sure that a baby would fill.  I began to give up on that idea and search for something else.

That's when I met Miranda. Who happens to be my neighbor. Now, we have chatted  at the park, waved to each other as we drive pass each other while one of us is putting our kids in the cars. But it ended there. Until she said that her and her husband were having a bible study once a week in their home and I should join them some time. I politely said thank you and didn't give it much thought after that . It wasn't till I realized that God was chasing me. That's right. Chasing me. My sons speech therapist had given me a card for her church and invited me. Then I kept seeing billboards and facebook statues of bible verses that related to me, every time I would turn on the TV it would be on the Christan music channel and if I changed Niko would get really upset so, I would leave it on and before long I was really enjoying the songs. So, I came to a realization that I was being called and went to Miranda's Bible study that night.

This was the night that I first prayed. I mean really prayed, not just begging God to fulfill a wish. But, I lifted myself up to him and this verse was the words that pulled the veil off my eyes.
Like newborn babies, you must crave pure spiritual milk so that you will grow into a full experience of salvation. Cry out for this nourishment 1Peter2:2
I had to crave for Gods love,his word, I had to seek it, I had to acknowledge him,  and that you really have to have a relationship with God.To be honest that was a completely new concept to me. Relationship?! When I was a kid we went to church but God ended there expect when the occasional bible story was read or we recited a prayer before dinner.But no relationship.

I came home, went into the bathroom turn on the water of the tub and began to pray. It was at that moment with tears coming down my cheeks I asked for wholeness, love for my self and forgiveness for the hardship my illness placed on my family and most of all I asked him to give me the hunger for spiritual milk. And, for the first time in 27 years( at that time) I felt God actually listening because I was actually talking to Him. In a matter of days my heart began to change. I felt a calm that no prescription drug had ever given me before and I began to feel whole in a way my heart had never felt.

The feelings of needing and craving to have another child started to subside and I began to think of it as "wouldn't be a blessing!". All my craving for a child turn into craving for Gods word. After that amazing things began to happen within me. My birth and struggles that once gave me nightmares and panic attacks started to become a blessing I'm not saying I would ever want them to happen again. But even though I had brought acceptance to that part of my life months ago this was the first time I had felt peace hush through it.

And, This is where I come back to Psalm 37:4
Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart.
He did. He did it with out me even realizing it. He waited for me to be whole with him so that this time I would not have to walk along through it this time. There is an old proverb that says:
Pregnancy and birth is like walking across a very narrow bridge.
Someone can walk you to it and someone can meet you on the other side but,
you must walk it alone.
That was very true my first pregnancy and birth and even after when I struggle so much, but not this time. God is inside my heart and holding my hand not only through out this but through out my life.

He has given me my long wanted desires of my heart and I know as long as I serve him I have faith he will continue as he has continued to show me my strength that he has given me and to continue to bless me in ways I never knew someone could be blessed.