Confessions of a Pregnant Woman

Yeah, I get it. Us pregnant women are suppose to feel beautiful, fertile, goddess like, happy and bubbly. After all we are creating a miracle, right? Yeah... That sounds all nice but this is usually coming from women who are literally insane or haven't been pregnant in at least 10 years. " I LOVED being pregnant!" Yeah? Lets ask your husband and see if he says that you did. I'm sure the stories would be conflicting.

It's all coming back to me now... all the complaining I did to my Midwife during Monsters pregnancy. I remember the Birth Assistant taking my BP saying how much she loved being pregnant. I honestly thought she was on drugs! Now, don't get me wrong! There are times that I really do enjoy being pregnant. And sadly it usually consist to people opening doors for me, giving free stuff and gifts, food and hearing complements even though I think they are lying by the skin of their teeth, still feels good though.  But, it is about 24weeks where reality set in. AND I HAVE 12 WEEKS (give or take ) TO GO! I better saddle up and get ready for this ride. Making these confessions is hard. "What?! How could you?! You're a  Doula! A Childbirth Educator! A pregnancy and birth advocate!!!"  I know! I know! Just wait until I start Breastfeeding... I assure your mouth will drop with shock. Lets face it ladies, this ain't no walk in the park! Sometime we get dirty with a small side of bitchy and with these Horrormones, it just fuels the fire. 

So, whats so hard about being pregnant? Well, where to start? Okay. How about the fact that we are graced with a higher body temp which goes great with the 106 degree heat we are having here in FL. There is nothing better then sitting in the bathroom trying to figure out if you've pissed your self or your sexy big'ol granny panties are soaked from sweat. At one point you'll sniff them...don't lie! You will! And you will realize that your vagina is called a hot box for a reason. That fact that that much sweat can be produced down there is pretty remarkable. Thank God Higlet is not due until November because with this heat water birth would have a whole new meaning! "Yeah, Grandma! You gave birth in FL during July and you had a - dry birth?!" BAWHAHAHA! Okay! Oh, and to top it off I promise you will have a matching wet bra. It's like putting on a wet swimsuit but about one million times grosser.There is nothing like having a line full of  women stare at you while your in the Hollywood Theater restroom drying out your bra with the hand dryer.

Oh, and since we are talking about underwear, let chat about the reason you are wearing Big'ol granny panties is because your belly isn't the only part of your body carrying a life form. Now. I have no way of proving this,but I'm pretty sure that your ares , when pregnant, has disappearing twin syndrome. That fact that you can see it from the front of me is disturbing. And it explodes over night!

 I went three days with out wearing underwear because I was too lazy to go and buy new ones. All my old panties surrendered after they had seen some of their colleagues been tortured. Ohhh...and there is no wearing sexy panties. You know the one you wore before you got married, yet alone pregnant? I recently put on a thong to wear a skirt. An hour later it was gone! I don't know if the sides popped and it fell off or my butt ate it.

This next topic, I'm not going to go in to very in-dept on it cause its so gross. Increased vaginal discharge.... its called leucorrhea, or "white flow". * Rolls eyes*. Honestly! What could be sexier then those names? As if we don't have enough going on down there we get this little prize. I have to say I am lucky with this pregnancy I have not had much of this. But, my last pregnancy it was like Niagara falls. Sounds awesome, huh?

Well, if those thing aren't enough to make say "knock me out now!" Well, I'm not done. how about the uncontrollable farting. They are not as bad as Papa Higley's. I have actually vomited from his. But they do like to drop in when a very important argument is happening. It such a great what to finish when making  my point. And of course it make a wonderful soundtrack to dinner and alone time. Truth be told, if you had had this issue before you wouldn't be in this situation in the first place for the second time.

There is vomiting... actually I'm super good at this now. I'm like a vomit ninja. Stealth. Hidden in the dark. I can puke with out anyone knowing. We could be taking and still you would have no idea.

The cruse of being uncomfortable. No matter what you do. comfort is just out of reach. You can toss and turn, but it ain't ever going to happen. You will find it for about 10 minutes then a draft will come by and ruin it and bring you to tears. Now it will take you 45 minutes to find comfort again.

So, there is about a 100 more other things that I just don't really have the time to write about. But I am sure it will come up sooner or later. Until then I will continue to bug Papa Higley about filling the kiddie pool with ice, complaining about wanting to eat a vat of bacon with a side of Cruiser's cheese frys and drowning myself in a pitcher of  Tequila. Just 12 more weeks...