Weaned

More than anything, I've always wanted this.  

I have had it once, briefly 

I had reluctantly and regretfully walked away

My should've could've would'ves haunted me 

And I felt like half the woman I wanted to be

I made promises quietly to you as you sat warmly in my belly

I would fight to give you what you deserve; what I deserve

I refused to walk away this time

It was difficult, Physically and emotionally. 

Nourishing you was the one most challenging experience I've ever had

But, I thank you for it. 

From the bottom of my heart,  I thank you

I thank you 

For the pain, surgery, tears, toung tie, over supply

Pumping

Pumping

Pumping

Syringe feeders, nipple shileds, reluctantly buying bottles

Lactation consultants

WIC 

Personal calls from doctors 

The ones who encourage

The one who begged me to stop the maddness 

 Friends telling me how proud they were of me not giving up. 

But... I wanted to. I really did.  

I was tired

I thought maybe it wasn't for me.

I was okay with that thought. 

Anger would rise within me when you got hungry 

I knew it was time for pain

And I would tense up or pretend you needend something else

But eventually I surrendered

And you would look at me knowingly 

Eyes full of love

Love

Sparking with forgiveness

Utterly needing me to keep pressing on

And so I did

I kept going

I begun to enjoy our journey 

I thought it would just be a season where I nursed my baby

Little did I know were we going.

27 months 

a lifetime and yet so short

 

Breastfeeding was a gift 

It restored what was broken in me

What was ripped from me

As the scabs healed 

My heart healed

I promised to nurture you the best way I could

To my surprise, you were the one to nurture me

This was the best thing that ever happened to my body

I gave our relationship permission to overpowered all done wrong to it

Nursing you day and night  

Night and day 

In The stillness of night
With The stars abright 

We sat

We talked

I cried

I worshiped

Thank you for 27 months

Thank you for the challenge 

The challenge that allowed me to forgive myself 

Thankful for the acknowledgment that I do not give up

To forgive others who took from me and how to take what they took back

Thank you for showing I can love my body

To be proud of my body

Thank you for that, my dear sweet WuWu

Love,

Your grateful Mommy 

 WuWu never has had a drop of formula 

 Our breastfeeding relationship showed me how to let go of the guilt of not being able to feed Monster

Breastfeeding made me appreciate formula. Breastfeeding erased all judgement within me.

Breastfeeding healed the wounds I had emotionally from being raped. 

It changed my path to something better.

Though I was tied to her, that tether gave me freedom. Freedom that I did not know existed. 

Six years

You did not come quietly in a darkened room like I had planned.

You abandon my plans.

Your entrance was bold, loud, and under blinding lights. 

On a crisp wednesday in January, a tiny 4 lbs. 15 oz. baby came 3 weeks before we imagined. 

From the moment you were born , you have always done things in your own time in your own way. 

Your birth brought me to my knees. 

Everything I stood on collapsed underneath my shaking feet.

I felt terrified. You, the tiniest baby I'd even seen, defeated every logical thought and idea I had of who I was and I... 

I fell. 

I fell in love.

I fell into confusion. 

I fell into darkness. 

I fell into failure.

I fell into doubt. 

And when I could not fall anymore, 

I fell at the feet of Christ.

In room 16 at 11:25am, your first breath became my first breath. 

The very first time you opened your eyes was the very first time I could see. 

 

We have walked an amazing journey you and I. Six years of growing. Mostly me. 

As I change your shirt sizes and look for another snack for you, you flow and dance wisdom. 

Compassion, trust, patience, fatih and love were mere words and abstract notions in my life before you were placed into my arms. 

You became the most profound teacher Who had enough grace to show me how to reconstruct my heart. 

I cannot deny my almighty creator for He sat in you. 

He whispered. 

He moved.

He walked.

He gave me you. 

Happy Birthday, my sweet grace filled joyful perfect Monster. Here to the best 6 years I could have ever ask for of having the privilege of being your mother. 

                         

A year of the unexpected has set and a year of living in thankfulness has risen

Good riddance 2013 you were truly an awful year! But, that's actually not 100% true. The beginning of the year you blessed us with joy and excitement. But then March came and sorrow started Creep in at the seams. You were slow in the beginning.  But then you came With blips of joy and wonderfulness until Midsummer. Then it was if someone put out all fires that were buring bright. Emptiness filled our surroundings. Grasping, we reached for anything in the dark. Nothing to be found but Christ. And then friends. And laughter. And dinners. Drinks. Pictures. Songs. Pomes. Hugs. Shopping. Crying. Coffee. And friends and laughter. 

We lost a lot of people who we love this year. Death has been on our lips and in our ears more than we ever thought in 2013. Monster understands death more than I did at his age. He speaks about it so matter-of-factly with his 5 year old strong conviction and stone like faith. I, on the other hand stumble. Like my good friend, Nadine, said " when you are used to birth, death is profound." That is so very true. It's so hard for me to get pass the lie that death, it's self, IS. It causes fractures in my heart. 

But the loss has not been without gain. Our family learned what it is meant to participate in community. We also understand now what it means to receive from the community. We started homeschooling this year which has been a wonderful adventure. An adventure that has shattered all preconceived notions and expectations, myths and lies that I choose to believe before we started. Monster and WuWu enjoy our assignments and their eyes fill with wonderment and hunger for more learning. It has been a blessing! And I can soundly say, we are lifers! ......maybe! 

We traveled to see friends in New Orleans in February... It rained. Then a trip to Navarre in September... It rained. But, that did not stop our fun! Monster learn how to swim by himself! WuWu learned too as well! Mama Higley lost 20... Then may or may have not gained back 15. Papa Higley is one of the top preformers in his company and I couldn't be more proud!

We spent the winter sick and in the house. We spent the spring shuttling from school and therapy. We spent the summer outside, in the water, mud, obnoxious sunshine and rain. We ate grapes, tomatoes, and watermelon. We spent the fall at the library, lunch picnics, sipping cider, soccer practice, reading on our couch, learning how to make french food, taking parenting classes ( Loving our kids on Pourpse ) and enjoying our church family. We ended 2013 with WuWu having surgery and a Christmas where we said 'YES' to joy and we spent way. Too. Much! and now as we enter 2014 We are back on GAPS, we are headed to Disney, my lesson plans are kicking butt, focusing on grace and love, and no matter what happens this year, the Higley New Years resolution is to live in full Thankfullness and gratitude. Thankful for the mess. thankful for the heartbreak .thankful for the laughter and the joys that will come this year. Thankful even when we feel like there is nothing to be thankful for. 

Happy New Year, friends! May this year be filled with relentless joy for you and your families! 

With love, 

The Higley clan 

Why A grilled cheese stands for Remembrance, Reflection, Recovery and Redemption

Today is National Grilled Cheese day. My news feed on Facebook is loaded  with pictures of personally made grilled cheeses. I mean there's some yummy ones shown! But , this day is thought provoking to me and I don't know if I can  exactly put it into words what I feel today. But I will try...
April 2009 was really when my psychosis started to manifest. My depression was dark and deep by this point. This was the beginning of the darkest times for me and my family. Yet, it also was the beginning of new friendships. like seeds being planted in my community that would grow onto big beautiful blooming flowers. <-- Awesome analogy!

You see, late 2012 I begin my My journey as a doula. Really, And this is a whole other post, but I became a doula for the wrong reasons. But I'm very thankful that I did because it connected me with people who have profoundly changed my life for the better. Funny how God uses all things to his good. And eventually he pulled the vail from my eyes to where I could serve women and not myself.... like I said ,whole other post!

When I became a doula I joined a online group of local birth attendants, childbirth educators, and lactation consultants . We would post questions or funny and informative articles. Whenever one of the ladies would post, a signature would appare at the bottom of her post and it included her blog site. As I stalked her blog for birth information, I begin to read it and gain encouragement from it. I did not know this woman  personally. But her words spoke to me in time that I was so deeply depressed. I think God used her blog to speak little words of truth into me even Though at this time, I had to turn my back on him.
She was awesome lady! You know, the one that you strive to be like? She was extremely passionate about the homeless, people, mothers, she loved her children.
She also adored grilled cheese sandwiches... I think? Honestly, I can't remember! I seriously can't remember what it was about the grilled cheese sandwiches!!!

But in April 2009 a horrific tragedy happened involving her entire family and herself. I Again want to repeat, I did not know  her or her family personally ( And I don't want to use her of her family's names I really want to Protect them And their family and friends from any criticism) But I felt and saw the pain of everyone in community. The sorrow lingered in the air and on everyone's heart.

Little did I know that months later I would be very close to reenacting the horrific tragedy that happened to her and her beautiful family. By the grace of God the plan was Intervened and so my family stands here as survivors. this is where it gets really hard for me to explain...
It's really hard to not feel guilt. Guilt all the way around. I Have to remind myself constantly that it was the sickness and not me. I have to put myself in check when I start to wonder how come her family did not survive. ( The circumstances surrounding Their death were different than my illness, Want to clear that up so there is not an assumption ) Her life was more meaningful! she haved more children! she offered the community more! I have To say to myself "shut up!". I too quickly jump to this. Where I dig a hole and start burying myself in comparison. in other words I discredit myself by comparing my life and journey with other peoples.
Understand , as I write this I'm crying, The tragedy in her family was the very spark That ignited in me searching passionately for help. Though, due to lack of proper treatment no means of my own, the darkness grew. But it was her,her family that Created the first step to a long hard journey which felt like thousands and thousands of miles.
For some reason, grilled cheeses have always remind me of her, weirdly enough. Grilled cheeses remind me of Comfort. They remind me of normalcy. Remind me of home. Something In my sickness I longed for.
The first day after the night that I was initially hospitalized, a psych nurse walked over to me as we sat down for dinner and handed me a plate with a grilled cheese sandwich on it. I set there and begin to sob over this sandwich. I'm sure i looked like a crazy person but I was already in a mental hospital so it didn't really matter. As I ate the I sandwich reflected on my life, what could have been and where it's going. I made a commitment to myself while eating a grilled cheese sandwich that I was going to do everything in my power to get better. And I did.
This simple sandwich that all of us have eaten a hundred times, means remembrance, reflection, recovery, and redemption.  I'm pretty sure I did not adequately convey what I feel because really no words can express. But a little glimmer of hope resurrected life from death.  If I were ever to meet one of her family members I would tell them that she and her family brought life, restoration and redemption to a family even after they have left this earth.
  So, I break my diet to eat a yummy grilled cheese in remembrance of her and her beautiful family, to honor her, and how she touched the lives of people that she came in contact with whether it was in person or just couple email exchanges unknowingly she was knitting hope into our lives.... and grilled cheeses.
Happy Friday y'all!

God's crazy path I'm on

God has taken me on a crazy path the last few months. In case you do not know, I have a paralyzing phobia of public speaking. Yet, God refuses to understand this! Many of my friends know that I suffered from postpartum depression after the birth of monster. What many friends do not know, is that I not only suffered from postpartum depression but also post traumatic stress disorder from the birth of my son, postpartum anxiety, and ultimately postpartum psychosis. The first two years of my sons life are pretty much a blank. I damage relationships that only grace could repair. I was very close to being the 1 in 25 women who suffer from postpartum psychosis who commit homicide and/or suicide.  But God chased me into the dark.  He refused to let me walk alone no matter how much I hated him for not giving me what I thought I deserved. Sometimes the clearest path to Christ is running hard and fast in the opposite direction.  And sometimes , sometimes he meets you at the end of a barrel of a gun. He knocked on my heart in that moment and I slowly began to open the door of trust. Finally,he healed me more than I ever was before, gave me another baby,  and he showed me how to give up on my own plans and live his which gave me freedom.  I survived! MY FAMILY SURVIVED!  And NOT just Survived but THRIVED! He put me in a occupation, that is flat out crazy none-the-less, that has me connecting with women who I help navigate the murky waters off PPD. An occupation which led me to speak in front of the Association of Women Health, Obstetric, and Neonatal Nurses last month, making me push the phobia out.
Tomorrow, I share my story with about 100 participants at a perinatal mood disorders conference. I'm sure I will feel vulnerable at times. But, I know that He is using me to speak waves of hope over everyone  tomorrow. I embrace my past of darkness but I will hold up the light that Christ has given me and continue to walk this crazy path he lays beneath me. He makes all things possible.

Snapshots of January

January start out with a bang. Organization, cleaning, Purging, And new goals were set for our family, spiritually and physically. Monster turn 5 on January 9th. So much of my life has changed in  5 years. Thankfully, is changed for the best.
Monster is bright eyed now with questions every moment about everything. He's so inquisitive that he must know how everything works and why everything is. which requires me to think about things that I have never thought about. And it also requires me to come up with an answer that usually I don't know. He had an awesome birthday party at my father's house. It was cowboy themed. We cooked chili over an open fire and enjoyed the open space that we don't have much of at our house. We stayed late until almost everyone left and roasted marshmallows over the fire and played in the dark with glow sticks. It was lovely! It's been a long time since I've just been still with my family.
This past week while the rest of the country was under blanket of snow,we were hit with un seasonable warmth. The kids actually played in the pool! It really was a lovely gift. You could smells spring right on the edge! But today it has gone back to its January self and it's quite chilly . the kids are all bundled up and the heat is on.
Wuwu Is so mobile now ! She's repeating many words. And absolutely adores her brother however, she is learning that if she fights back she can usually get what she wants .
As for Papa Higley , he and my father built and just put in new cabinets and shelving for me in the kitchen. which is a great blessing considering have absolutely no storage in my tiny, tiny kitchen! I'm looking forward to finishing the painting ,hanging a chandelier and putting in the flooring in my kitchen. I love my house but it's starting not to rise up to meet me, as Oprah  would say. I'm looking for February and the wonderful adventures it will take us. Hope you have had a wonderful January as it is the start of the new year!
Lots of love- the Higleys