God's crazy path I'm on

God has taken me on a crazy path the last few months. In case you do not know, I have a paralyzing phobia of public speaking. Yet, God refuses to understand this! Many of my friends know that I suffered from postpartum depression after the birth of monster. What many friends do not know, is that I not only suffered from postpartum depression but also post traumatic stress disorder from the birth of my son, postpartum anxiety, and ultimately postpartum psychosis. The first two years of my sons life are pretty much a blank. I damage relationships that only grace could repair. I was very close to being the 1 in 25 women who suffer from postpartum psychosis who commit homicide and/or suicide.  But God chased me into the dark.  He refused to let me walk alone no matter how much I hated him for not giving me what I thought I deserved. Sometimes the clearest path to Christ is running hard and fast in the opposite direction.  And sometimes , sometimes he meets you at the end of a barrel of a gun. He knocked on my heart in that moment and I slowly began to open the door of trust. Finally,he healed me more than I ever was before, gave me another baby,  and he showed me how to give up on my own plans and live his which gave me freedom.  I survived! MY FAMILY SURVIVED!  And NOT just Survived but THRIVED! He put me in a occupation, that is flat out crazy none-the-less, that has me connecting with women who I help navigate the murky waters off PPD. An occupation which led me to speak in front of the Association of Women Health, Obstetric, and Neonatal Nurses last month, making me push the phobia out.
Tomorrow, I share my story with about 100 participants at a perinatal mood disorders conference. I'm sure I will feel vulnerable at times. But, I know that He is using me to speak waves of hope over everyone  tomorrow. I embrace my past of darkness but I will hold up the light that Christ has given me and continue to walk this crazy path he lays beneath me. He makes all things possible.